Lost between two worlds - a reflection on the word home

I’m lost between two worlds. I am not Brazilian, but I'm also not fully German anymore.

I lived nearly three years in Santa Maria and spent more than six months in Florianópolis. Santa Maria was home because of a person. Florianópolis was home because I wanted it to be.

But neither place has ever really felt like home. I’ve come to realize that home is neither a checklist, a person, nor the amount of time you spend in a place.

Home is not somewhere you go to, but somewhere you come back to. It's a place where you don’t need anybody or any attractions to feel content with who you are and where you are.

In my life so far, only two places have given me that feeling: Schwieberdingen, where I grew up and where my family lives, and Blumenau.

Last December, I spent four weeks here purely by coincidence. At first, I had strong reservations: "I moved out of Germany. Why would I now go to a city known for its German heritage?"

Despite that, the first day I arrived here, I felt at peace. Why exactly, I don’t know, but I’ve been thinking about it a lot.

First, it’s a combination of positive first impressions, like:

- the friends I made on the very first day

- the apartment I stayed in

- the midnight walks

Second, it’s the fact that Blumenau is “interior”. I love surfing and the beach, but it always makes me feel like I’m missing out, especially when I have to work, which makes it difficult for me to relax or concentrate.

And third, it’s that sweet spot of (I guess kind of German) life quality and security, combined with Brazilian lightheartedness, sun, forests, food, and people.

I denied my German heritage for a long time, sometimes claiming to be more Brazilian than German. To me, German meant boring, and Brazilian meant exciting.

But I don’t deny my heritage anymore. I am learning to have an outsider's view of it and to see the parts I value and like. And I recognize the parts reflected and deeply engraved in my identity.

Today, I am a mixture of both cultures and have created my own. Maybe that’s why I connect so deeply with Blumenau: it is the closest I’ve come to my new identity—a German lost in the vastness of Brazil.

Not really belonging in Germany.

And not really belonging in Brazil.

But still having my place in the world.

Lost between two worlds.